Saturday, 6 July 2013

Contrex look please

Contrex look please!

It has been a few days now since I have seriously taken control of my body' flabbiness .
I don't know if it is me or just my imagination but it feels like my skin around my waist is a little tighter. I feel my waist tightening during the day which feel slightly weird.
I have also slept much better- getting really tired past 11pm and sleeping deep the moment I lie down.
I have stick to my morning routine: lemon juice with warm water, followed by a small bowl of all bran and a couple of McVitties chocolate biscuits. Breakfast is now a sorted 400 calories affair.
I also drink plenty of espressos (good for not loosing my hair I was told) and more water.
I have ordered a full month supply of Contrex from my water supplier.

Contrex has a special place in my heart. It was my mother' favourite water brand- full of magnesium, calcium and not particularly good in mouth. It is very harsh and tends to dry your mouth rather than refresh it.
Nobody makes a happy face after their first slurp. You don't drink Contrex for its delicious taste sadly, you drink it because it is going to make you look good. My mum used to say that a cocktail of Contrex,a Senokot pill (famous laxative brand) and a pack of Gauloise on a daily basis was key to a beautiful body back in the late 70's. It worked for her.
I guess I should write a diet book based on 70's body shape and feel.
Lean, muscle free and hairy.
A book where I would try to guess what the Boney M singer was eating on a daily basis to look (in a special kind of way)-
Ok, I'll talk to my publisher. I bet he doesn't know who Boney M is.

I am so proud that I have managed to resist eating bread for lunch. The bread at the restaurant is delicious and not eating some has been a real torture. We usually bake breads before each service and it coincides with the moment I start feeling like I should be eating something. The sweet smell of the dough freshly cooked invades my space and wake my glutton instinct. My brain tells me to indulge but my desire to seduce block my temptation. I end up looking at the golden brown salted brioche and just talked about them. How delicious they look, how soft they are when they are still warm and how much our guests are going to love them. I then leave the patisserie and eat a big bowl of cold baked aubergine topped with beetroot and goat cheese. I  add a few  slices of courgets  and season everything with olive oil, balsamic vinegar and a pinch of salt.
My mother used to say that everything taste good when you are starving. She was right.
It is funny how unfussy you become when you are on the verge of starvation.

However , I did something that I am not very proud of: I had half a burger.
Yes that is right, I ate half of a burger. why half? because it tasted really shit, otherwise I would have had the full one. This burger was the antidote of obesity as far as I am concerned. It tasted gross: overcooked meat, watery bun, industrial mayonnaise, soggy salad, too thick gherkins...
The office staff at the restaurant had not resisted the fashion call to try the newly opened Five Guys burger shop in Covent Garden. Five guys is an American burger restaurant chain that invested a lot in market research and realised that across the Atlantic a town was turning Burger frenzy.A town that didn't want to get slim and was getting mad with fat, red meat, hyper carbohydrate food and all sort of mega fattening food. This town is my town and I am sorry for all of those who get milked by unscrupulous business venture who capitalise on London's fondness of fat and sugar.

So the moment I stopped eating the burger, I felt guilt. It was too late; it was inside of me.
This alien had entered my body and it would take a few hours before I could get it out.
I wondered what impact it would have while travelling via my intestine and colon.
I felt really upset and most importantly I felt poisoned.
I could have stick 2 fingers at the base of my throat and vomit everything.
I regret not having had the balls to do it.
Next time perhaps.

Monday, 1 July 2013

Bikini Look

Good grief, it is already end of June and I have just not found the energy, time, perseverance or whatever it takes to make my body look beach ready.
There isn't a day that passes without me telling to myself: I think I am getting flabbier by the hour.
I usually pinch my love handles after shower in the morning and squizz them very hard. There is no pain in pinching fat.
They seem to be getting slightly thicker by the day. I have also noticed that some small spot of cellulite are starting to appear. For some reason, I've always thought that cellulite was the exclusivity of middle aged porky white English woman you sometimes see on trashy C4 TV program or on front of naff weekly magazine or anywhere if you live in UK.
I am one of them now!

But not for long as I have decided that from now on I will stick to what every French man and women do from time to time: a bastardised Dukan diet.
Dukan is a genius; a master in marketing and the King of reheated diet. Same recipe has been sold  millions of times.
The real diet forces you to follow some seriously rigorous patterns that probably nobody has ever managed to stick to. A semi-cooked diet allows you to kick start the diet processes enabling your body to quickly looses its excess fat and make you look much slimmer (or malnourished) very quickly.

First of all you must stop alcohol, bread and most of carbohydrates food. No cake, no potatoes, no biscuits....
Start your day with a glass of lemon juice diluted with a bit of warm water followed by a bowl of All Bran flakes mixed with some Activa yogurt. That's it for breakfast. #

Then you must drink a minimum of 2 litres of water a day. There is a point, usually after your first litre, where you start visiting the toilet like you've never done it before.
It seems that past 1 litre, your body needs to flush out so much more than you have ever done. I don't know why but it's the norm. Everything turns clearer, especially your urine.

Lunch should be made of poached white meat with poached broccoli (slightly under cooked so it takes longer for you to chew), an apple and a slice of the darkest Ryvita toast you can find. That's all for lunch.
Afternoon is going to feel very long, so in case of a slight drop of energy or minor hypoglycaemic attack, just have a large glass of sparkling water with a slice of lemon. Sit down and wait.
French woman sometimes cheat at this stage and indulge on a single Marlboro light. I don't encourage this but if it helps....

Dinner is a simple affair consisting of 2 raw endives roughly chopped and dressed in 2 spoons of olive oil, 1 teaspoon of mustard and a pinch of salt. Followed by a bowl of braised cabbage and finished with an apple and another slice of dark Ryvitta.
More water and more water.

You are going to feel starving by the time you go to bed. But don't worry, as the French say :
Qui dort, dine!
Meaning that sleeping is as good as eating for your body (without the calories obviously!)

Stick to this for 2 to 3 weeks and I can assure that if you ave managed to survive the ordeal, you'll be amazed by the results. Bikini look and beach ready A la Francaise.